...And Part Time Marathoner
Life is full of deception. I am well aware of that. We have all encountered it at one time or another. Shifty car salesmen trying to convince us that the undercoating and 1st Place Finish are items that we need, lest our cars rust out from underneath us and our paint magically disappears. Ron “But Wait, There’s More” Popeil telling me that the Ronco can cook a 20-pound turkey in mere minutes and that it will forever change my life (like I ever need to cook a turkey…let’s be honest). The pill, shake or gadget that will magically sculpt a six pack out of the pony keg that I carry around beneath my t-shirt. These are just a few examples of the world of deceit that is all around us. Hell, even those of us in the marketing community have been classified as snake oil salesmen a time or two – sometimes for good reason.
However, these are to be expected. Life has always been a game of trickery, chicanery and one-upmanship. The road runner has been pulling the wool over the Wiley E. Coyote’s eyes for years now. And that ACME corporation, don’t get me started on them. Apparently they can’t make a product that works, yet Mr. Coyote keeps buying more (now that’s good marketing).
With all of the false advertising around us these days, you would think nothing would surprise me. Just look at the world of women’s fashion and beauty. To steal from a current comedic star, – women wear makeup. Their face doesn’t look like that. They wear heels. They aren’t that tall. They have push up bras. Well you get the picture…Deception is everywhere.
However, nothing is as deceiving, and disappointing as raisins and blueberries. How can these two fruits be tricksters you ask? When they pretend to be chocolate chips, that’s how. I am fed up. I am tired of raisins and blueberries masquerading as chocolate chips. This is simply unacceptable and it needs to stop. Blueberries and raisins, you are officially being put on notice.
First it was the cookies. Raisins had their rightful place in little kids’ lunches and retirement homes. Then they had to expand to cookies, and for a while that was fine. They had their niche. Oatmeal raisin cookies. And with their crumbly, lumpy texture, you could spot them before you bit into the cookie. You could see them from afar and say “nope, I am ok with this boring sugar cookie”. Now they have encroached on sacred ground. They are replacing chocolate chips in cookies that aren’t of the oatmeal cookie variety. Why is this a thing, I ask?
And don’t give me the “raisins are a fruit and are better for you than chocolate chips,” because I call bullshit. They are just the dehydrated spawn of grapes, and grapes are nothing but little sugar bombs anyhow. So if the glycemic index of raisins and chocolate chips are the same (and I am not a nutritionist, so I can’t confirm nor deny the validity of that statement), then dammit I want raisins to stay the hell away from my cookies. You don’t see chocolate chips vying for inclusion in oatmeal cookies do you? Nope. Then raisins should stay put in their oatmeal cookies, lest we take cookies away from them altogether (which, for the record, I am in support of).
However, it hasn’t stopped with the raisins and it hasn’t ended at the humble cookie. Their friend the blueberry has gotten in on the act. Not content with just ruining cookies, the raisins have apparently recruited blueberries to destroy muffins as well. I swear to God, if one more morning meeting with the generous gift of breakfast being served gets ruined as I bite into what I assume to be a chocolate chip muffin (the godliest of all muffins, mind you) which turns out to be blueberry, I don’t know what I’ll do. Blueberries are for cereal (Boo Berry was very good – no Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but still good) and yogurt and pancakes or whatever the hell else the hipsters want to do with them. They are not for muffins that are supposed to be chocolate chip.
I mean we can share the real estate beneath the bakery shop glass can’t we? Put the blueberry muffins on one side with their friends apple, cranberry and bran and on the other side we can put the humble chocolate chip muffin, the most esteemed of muffins the chocolate-chocolate chip and the lemon poppy seed muffins for those of us who are worried about scurvy. Yes, I want separate muffin zones. Keep the “good for you” muffins one side and the “taste likes it should be dessert” muffins on the other side. And while we are at it, let’s include cream cheese muffins on that “desserty” side. And I am aware “desserty” is not a real word.
I have enough stress in my life. I’m constantly on guard to make sure that I don’t fall victim to the treachery around me. I should not have to worry about my muffins and my cookies disappointing me on account of two second-class fruits.
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